Fertility struggles often come with a rollercoaster of emotions. The hopeful anticipation during the two-week wait, the crushing weight of another negative test, and the cautious optimism that blooms each cycle—it’s a constant dance between hope and heartbreak. For those who move into fertility treatments like IUI or IVF, emotions can feel even more magnified. The calendar becomes dominated by appointments, hormone schedules, and blood tests, and life starts to revolve around cycles.
What's important to acknowledge is that all feelings are valid. Frustration, jealousy, sadness, hope, guilt, even numbness—there’s no right or wrong way to feel. It’s also worth recognizing that partners may process these emotions differently. While one person may be outwardly expressive, the other may internalise. Both experiences are equally valid and deserve space to be acknowledged.
The emotional weight of fertility challenges doesn’t always look the same for each partner, and that’s okay. There’s an undeniable biological inequality present—one partner may be physically enduring treatments, hormone shifts, and medical procedures, while the other supports from a different vantage point. This difference sometimes creates a perception that one person is more "invested," but emotional investment isn’t always visible.
Gendered Differences and Medical Realities
It’s also worth addressing the gendered differences that often appear in fertility treatment. For many men, the primary medical involvement may involve providing a semen sample. While this isn’t without its own pressures and vulnerabilities—especially when faced with the clinical environment of a fertility clinic—it’s distinctly different from the often invasive and exhausting medical procedures many women experience.
Egg retrieval, hormonal injections, ultrasounds, and the physical and emotional toll of treatment cycles can be incredibly demanding. This difference can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or feelings of imbalance, but it doesn’t mean one partner cares more or less than the other. Rather, the experiences are just... different. Acknowledging this disparity without minimising either person’s feelings can open space for empathy and support. It’s not about measuring pain or effort—it’s about holding space for each unique experience.
What’s crucial is making space for these differences without judgment. Allowing room for each person’s experience means validating how they feel—even if it looks different from your own. Open, compassionate conversations that start with curiosity rather than assumption can be a bridge in these moments. "How are you feeling about all this?" can be a more connecting question than, "I don’t think you’re as upset as I am."
Same-Sex and Trans Partnerships
When it comes to same-sex and trans couples, there are additional layers to consider. For lesbian couples, the choice of who carries the pregnancy isn’t always straightforward and can be influenced by a range of factors—emotional readiness, medical considerations, access to parental leave, or even career flexibility. Sometimes, one partner may feel more emotionally connected to the idea of carrying, while the other may have health reasons that make conception more viable. Other times, it’s a practical decision based on who has better maternity leave options or whose work schedule allows for the demands of medical appointments and recovery.
For trans and non-binary individuals, the decision to be the carrying partner may also intersect with gender dysphoria or personal comfort with pregnancy. These decisions are deeply personal and often come with unique emotional and relational challenges that deserve recognition and support.
What’s crucial in all these scenarios is understanding that each partner’s role—whether carrying the child, providing a specimen, or offering emotional and practical support—is significant. Emotional investment doesn’t always look the same, but it is real and valid across all partnerships. Creating space to talk openly about these differences without judgment can foster connection and mutual understanding.
Sex, which may have once been spontaneous and fun, can sometimes become clinical and scheduled during TTC. Tracking ovulation, setting alarms for the best times to try, and working around medical appointments can shift the focus from connection to conception. This can be especially challenging when fertility treatment introduces injections, procedures, and hormonal shifts that impact libido and comfort.
For some heterosexual couples, sex can begin to feel like a chore—another task to tick off a list. It’s easy for intimacy to fall by the wayside when stress is high and emotions are raw. But sexual closeness and physical intimacy don’t have to disappear because physical connection isn't limited to penetrative sex..
For same-sex and trans couples, the emotional and physical toll of fertility treatments can also impact sexual connection. Hormonal interventions, medical procedures, and the stress of TTC can affect libido, body comfort, and desire. For some trans and non-binary people, hormone shifts or the physical changes involved in conception may trigger gender dysphoria or discomfort with previously enjoyed forms of intimacy.
Lesbian couples may also experience shifts in their sexual connection during treatment—particularly if one partner is undergoing hormone therapy or medical intervention. Physical discomfort, emotional stress, and even the hyper-focus on conception can change the way intimacy is experienced.
This is where redefining intimacy becomes powerful. Physical connection and sensuality can be found in touch, massage, sensual exploration, and playful moments that don’t have an agenda. Pleasurable touch, sensual massages, warm baths, and non-sexual physical affection can help maintain closeness without the pressure of performance or conception.
For some, it can also be helpful to separate "conception-focused intimacy" from "just because" intimacy, allowing room for connection and pleasure outside of fertility schedules. Creating space to explore comfort and connection without pressure can help sustain closeness through the ups and downs of treatment.
The journey of fertility treatment can be isolating and incredibly taxing on both individuals and their relationship. If you, your partner, or your relationship is struggling under the weight of stress and change, please reach out for support. Early intervention through counselling or therapy can provide a space to process emotions, learn effective communication strategies, and rebuild intimacy during challenging times.
