The phrase "lesbian bed death" casts a long shadow, often uttered with a knowing smirk or a sigh of resignation in both casual conversations and more serious discussions about queer relationships. Coined in the 1980s by sexologists Pepper Schwartz and Philip Blumstein, it refers to the pervasive idea that long-term sapphic relationships are somehow uniquely predisposed to a significant, and often irreversible, decline in sexual frequency, sometimes to the point of ceasing entirely. The underlying implication is that passion, desire, and sexual vibrancy simply wither away more quickly or completely for lesbian partnerships than they do for heterosexual or gay male couples.
But let's truly scrutinise this concept: Is "lesbian bed death" an inevitable phenomenon, a sociological truth, or is it, as many experts and lived experiences suggest, an ultimately damaging myth? The answer, unequivocally, leans heavily towards the latter.
While early research, including Schwartz and Blumstein's initial survey, reported less frequent sexual activity in long-term lesbian couples compared to heterosexual ones, highlighting this statistic alone paints a misleading picture. This original research has been criticised for its flawed methodology and small, unrepresentative sample. It used a narrow definition of sex, and solely measured frequency, not the quality of sexual satisfaction. Despite the fact that Blumstein and Schwartz seemed to introduce the concept in their work, they never actually used the term "lesbian bed death". This divergence between frequency and satisfaction is a crucial indicator that the "bed death" narrative is overly simplistic and fails to capture the richness and complexity of sexual intimacy.
As the acclaimed lesbian author and activist Felice Newman eloquently articulated, "Lesbian Bed Death is the greatest disservice we ever did to our community. [...] Because in fact the statistics don't vary that much. If you're straight or you're gay, long term relationships can be challenging when it comes to sex." Newman's perspective underscores a fundamental truth: the ebb and flow of sexual desire and activity are a universal aspect of all long-term relationships, regardless of the gender or sexual orientation of the partners involved. To single out sapphic relationships for this perceived "inevitability" is to ignore the broader human experience of intimacy. Despite Schwartz and Blumstein’s early research, there is no scientific consensus that "lesbian bed death" is a real phenomenon. The persistence of this myth is largely due to a historical lack of reliable, comprehensive research into the sexual experiences of lesbians and queer individuals.
The very concept of "lesbian bed death" is deeply embedded in, and perpetuated by, harmful stereotypes about queer relationships. For far too long, queer relationships, particularly those between women, have been subject to scrutiny within mainstream culture. They are often viewed through a narrow, heteronormative lens that tends to ignore, downplay, or even deny the vibrant sexual lives of sapphic individuals and relationships. This societal tendency often prioritises an idealised version of emotional connection, inadvertently (or sometimes explicitly) sidelining the importance of sexual expression and desire within these partnerships.
This narrative also feeds into the insidious stereotype that women, especially within sapphic pairings, are somehow less driven by sexual desire, or that their sexual lives are inherently less exciting, less varied, or less "real" than those of heterosexual couples or gay male couples. It's a generalisation that dismisses the immense diversity within lesbian relationships, painting them all with the same broad, desexualised brush.
When the term "lesbian bed death" is used, the explicit mention of one's sexuality implies that a person's queer identity is, at least in part, to blame for a decline in sexual activity. This reinforces a misogynistic, heteronormative, and deeply harmful idea that sex is primarily something men want and crave, while women simply tolerate it. Consequently, this notion reinforces the belief that because there is no man in a lesbian relationship, there is no one in the relationship who continually desires or initiates sex. This unequal scrutiny places an unfair burden on lesbian couples to constantly prove the vitality of their intimacy. This stereotype can make those who experience a decline in sexual desire feel isolated and reluctant to discuss their concerns, further perpetuating the silence around common sexual challenges.
The truth is that what sapphic couples may emphasise is erotic quality, depth of intimacy, and a broader definition of sexual connection. Recent comprehensive research, including a notable study involving over 24,000 women (with a significant cohort of self-identified lesbians), sheds powerful light on this. This study highlighted that sapphic participants were significantly more likely to engage in mood-setting activities before sex (such as "sex dates," saying "I love you," background music, dimming lights, and romantic getaways). They also report a broader and more varied array of activities during sex, including deep discussions of erotic fantasies, sensual back rubs, diverse forms of kissing, extensive manual genital caressing, cunnilingus, the creative use of vibrators and other toys, and even playful kink exploration. Critically, as a direct result of this expansive and intentional approach to intimacy, these studies consistently found that lesbian participants reported being more orgasmic than their heterosexual counterparts. This rich, multi-faceted approach to connection, characterised by profound intimacy and varied erotic play, has led many sex therapists and researchers to emphatically reframe the antiquated notion of "lesbian bed death" as the vibrant reality of a varied and deeply erotic intimacy. It's a recognition that intimacy is not solely defined by one type of act but by a holistic, pleasure-centred approach to connection.
Furthermore, when measuring sexual satisfaction by either orgasm count or duration of sex (though many of us sex therapists would prefer to emphasis pleasure), queer women statistically outpace heterosexual women. For instance, one 2017 study of 53,000 Americans by the Kinsey Institute revealed that lesbians reported orgasming 86 per cent of the time during sex, compared to just 65 per cent for straight women. Additionally, a Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality study found that lesbian couples tend to engage in sexual activity for "significantly longer" periods than couples in other relationship types. These findings further dismantle the "bed death" myth by highlighting the rich, often more satisfying, sexual experiences reported by queer women.
With that said, it is important to note that a decline in sexual frequency is not unique to queer relationships; it's a normal part of many long-term partnerships, regardless of sexual orientation. Life's demands—careers, raising children, financial stress, health issues, and daily stressors—all profoundly impact libido, time, and mental space for sex. Studies consistently show sexual activity decreasing as relationships mature and people age. For instance, a 2020 study noted a "steady drop" in sexual frequency as any relationship progresses, and 2017 research linked less sex to older age. While all long-term relationships experience periods of lower sex drives, sex therapists note specific nuances for women, such as managing two menstrual cycles and the prevalence of responsive sex drive. This suggests "lesbian bed death" is often a misnomer for the natural decline of desire common in all relationships, not a symptom of queerness.
If you and your partner have noticed a shift or decline in your sexual activity, it's an opportunity, not a crisis. To navigate these common relational phases and rekindle your connection, communication is paramount: talk honestly about desires, fears, and needs in a safe, non-judgemental space, discussing what might be impacting libido. Consider broadening intimacy beyond just specific sexual acts; seek pleasure in sensations or non-sexual physical touch like cuddling, holding hands, or back rubs, while nurturing emotional, shared, intellectual, and quality time intimacy. It's also vital to address underlying issues and seek support: recognise that a decline might stem from stress, mental or physical health, or relationship dynamics, and consider individual therapy, or couples/sex therapy for deeper issues.
In conclusion, the myth of "lesbian bed death" is precisely that – a myth. It's a harmful stereotype that unfairly scrutinises and misrepresents the rich and diverse intimate lives of sapphic and queer couples. By debunking it, we not only validate the experiences of queer relationships but also encourage all couples to challenge rigid definitions of sex and intimacy, fostering deeper understanding, communication, and ultimately, a more fulfilling and authentic connection that celebrates their unique erotic journey.
