Let’s get one thing clear: sex will change as we age.
Change as a result of age is no flaw or failing, it’s just biology doing its thing. But change doesn’t need to only mean loss, because whilst change is inevitable it also brings new beginnings. Go with me on this, because with a little curiosity (and maybe a good quality lube or two), sex can still be satisfying, connecting, and fun regardless of your age.
Unfortunately many people hold the idea that we should be having the same type of sex we had in our 20’s and 30’s when we are in our 50’s and 60’s. This expectation sets many people up for frustration and disconnection, however when we redefine sex and are flexible across stages of life it opens up new ways to enjoy pleasure and intimacy. I know this because the clinicians and I at CRSW work with people across every life stage and age group to help them rediscover sexual enjoyment and connection.
What Even Is Sex, Anyway?
We’ve grown up with a pretty narrow definition of sex which has usually centred around penetration, because in Australia we have grown up with a pretty heteronormative view of what is *normal* relationships and sex. But let’s zoom out, if we let go of the old “sex = penis in vagina,” “good sex = orgasmic,” or “good sex = intense” model and start thinking more about connection, touch, exploration, pleasure, and what feels good, there’s a whole world waiting.
Sex is actually just the experience of people coming together to give and receive pleasure. It’s a space we enter to feel good and connected, rather than something that is simply 'done'. In that way, then sex is intrinsically varied and may be further specified depending on the reason for the ‘sex’ e.g., conception sex, quickies, solo sex, make-up sex, you've-been-gone-forever sex, we've-got-all-afternoon sex… you get the picture.
The more we focus on pleasure and flexibility, the more we enjoy it.
What Is Menopause?
Menopause is the natural, biological transition marking the end of menstruation, typically diagnosed after 12 months without a period. It usually occurs between the ages of 45 and 55 but can happen earlier or later. Before menopause, during perimenopause, hormonal shifts begin and can last for a number of years.
The major hormonal players are oestrogen and progesterone, these influence everything from your menstrual cycle to mood, sleep, bone density, brain function, and yes even, libido and vaginal health. As levels drop, you might notice hot flushes, brain fog, irritability, vaginal dryness, reduced energy, anxiety, low mood, and changes in desire and arousal.
If you're feeling off, you're not imagining it. And to be frank, you deserve support so find a GP who understands menopause (menopause clinics are becoming more available), or a good gynaecologist who can support you through this transition. There are effective treatments available and we understand more about these treatment options than ever before because the right support does make a huge difference to your wellbeing and sex life.
Vaginal Dryness & Atrophy: Not the End
Dryness and thinning vaginal tissue come with menopause and so for some this results in pain during penetration. Vaginal atrophy happens due to reduced oestrogen, which causes the vaginal walls to become thinner, less elastic, drier, and more fragile. It’s really common, but not often talked about.
Supporting the body's lubrication typically involves a mix of high-quality lubricants (water-based, silicone-based, or hybrids), vaginal moisturisers, and localised oestrogen therapies. When these are paired with sex-positive, evidence-based therapy to broaden definitions and possibilities of sex, many women find they’ll enjoy a wide range of sexual activity, including fingers, toys, or intercourse.
Sometimes individuals or couples need further support. Pelvic floor physiotherapy, a good GP or gynaecologist, or relational therapy can all play an integral part in helping a relationship strengthen and flourish through physical and emotional changes. It’s all normal and we need to shift the notion that getting couples or sexual therapy isn’t a failure, it’s just how strong relationships grow (a blog to come on that soon!).
Ageing Affects Everyone
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has a penis, ageing might be changing things for them too. Erections may be slower, softer, or less reliable. For many men, erection difficulties carry deep emotional weight where they can feel grief, loss, shame, and a threat to their masculinity. Sometimes, this leads men to stop initiating or avoid sex altogether.
Viagra and other medications can help with erectile firmness, but a hard penis alone doesn’t make someone a great sexual partner or guarantee great sex. Let’s not forget, for most women (and those with vulvas), penetration isn’t the primary source of pleasure. Instead, satisfaction often comes from touch, arousal building, clitoral stimulation, feeling emotionally and physically safe, and being truly present.
If your partner is withdrawing or avoiding intimacy, it may be time for an open conversation about how they’re feeling about ageing and sexual function.
Desire Changes ≠ Broken
During peri and post-menopause, it’s common for desire to shift. Maybe it's lower, higher, slower, or less spontaneous. Maybe you feel more irritable, tired, or just over it. All these experiences are normal and understandable given the hormonal shifts happening inside your body.
Oestrogen and testosterone play important roles in libido, arousal, lubrication, and energy. As they decline, changes in desire and arousal are to be expected, just like the changes in mood, sleep, and brain function you might also be noticing.
And here's the thing: desire changes even outside menopause. During times of stress, illness, transitions, parenting, or major life events, it's normal for libido to dip or shift. Lets get the 101 on desire, there are two types of desire:
So if you're waiting to "feel in the mood" before initiating or agreeing to being sexual, you might be waiting a while. Instead, try to create space and context for intimacy by asking yourself: on an ideal day, what would help you feel open to desire? Then follow that chain of thinking and action.
And yes, you might be thinking, "I already know where it’ll go… same thing every time." And you’re right, sex in long-term relationships can fall into predictable patterns. Sometimes that's comforting, but sometimes it stops building the kind of erotic energy that sparks desire or excitement.
If You're Not Enjoying It…Then What Would You Enjoy?
When I speak to clients about their sex life, I often hear things like, "I don’t want to do X anymore," or "When they do Y, I just wait for it to be over." and I’m often left thinking, no wonder you don’t want sex that sounds awful!
As Emily Nagoski says, pleasure is the measure. So if the routine is leaving you uninspired then let’s talk about it and reframe the question: what would you actually enjoy? What type of sex would be worth having? If you could curate your ideal sexual experience, what would it involve?
Good sex isn’t a performance, a checklist, or a race to orgasm. It’s about pleasure, connection, and being present in your body. If you genuinely don’t know what you’d like, that’s okay because maybe it’s been a while since you explored your own pleasure.
For some people starting solo is a great place to kick this all off! When’s the last time you masturbated or explored your body without pressure to climax? If we’re redefining partnered sex, we also need to redefine solo sex. I encourage people to slow it down. Don’t go straight for the genitals… yes, I’ll say it again: don’t go straight for the clit. Take your time. Read, listen, imagine. Notice how your body responds. Try gentle touch to your arms, neck, hands. Let your body show you what it enjoys.
At the end of the day, whether you’re exploring solo sex or partnered sex or ‘we-haven’t-had-sex-in-a-decade sex’ remember, you’re not alone in this, and you don’t have to tiptoe around it with us. These are the kinds of conversations we have every day - open, honest, and grounded in real knowledge. When you're ready, we’re here.
Menopause doesn’t need to be the fading of your flame, it can be the refining of your fire. Around the world women are honoured for the wisdom this stage of life brings. Give yourself permission for your wise woman era to also include your pleasure, your body and your right to feel fully alive.
- Dr Hilary Lindberg, Clinical Psychologist & Sexologist, Director of CRSW
