Shared from Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlack
Many couples, friends, and family members describe getting into what feel like “fights about nothing.” A common example might be forgetting to pick up a specific item from the grocery store. On the surface, it’s a small mistake. Yet the conversation escalates quickly, emotions run high, and both people walk away feeling frustrated, confused or misunderstood. In Multiamory, Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlack explain that these “nothing fights” are often less about the immediate issue and more about habitual communication patterns. The fight itself usually involves low stakes and high frustration, and for many people, these conflicts arise more out of habit than necessity.
What Are "Nothing Fights?"
“Nothing fights” often start with small, innocuous triggers (a sigh, a facial expression, a particular tone of voice). That trigger is met with a negative reaction from the other person, which begins to escalate the interaction. Memories, emotional themes, and familiar feelings from past experiences quickly enter the picture, shaping how each person interprets what’s happening. Before long, both people are pulled into a familiar and unpleasant communication pattern. In Multiamory, the authors suggest that an equation for this might look something like the following - if only it were that simple:
(Small triggers + Habitual communication patterns + Painful past experiences) = Nothing fight
Every "nothing fight" looks a little different, and every relationship has its own dynamics. That’s where Microscripts come in.
What is a Microscript?
“A microscript is a short, predetermined interaction between you and another person, designed to interrupt old patterns and act as a shortcut to healthier communication.”
Microscripts are not created in the heat of the moment. They are intentionally designed ahead of time and used when a familiar pattern starts to emerge. Every Microscript has two essential parts:
- The Cue: the pattern, prompt, or situation that signals it’s time to begin the Microscript
- The Script: the word, phrase, brief dialogue, or action that follows and redirects the interaction
Using Microscripts effectively requires self-awareness, meta-communication skills, a team mentality, and the ability to self-soothe so that the tool interrupts the pattern rather than escalates it. Microscripts do not always need to solve serious problems with heavy emotions and can also be used to make everyday interactions easier and clearer, which is often a lower-stakes and more accessible place to start.
How to Create a Microscript
Identify the problem. Start by thinking about the last time a small moment turned into tension or disconnect. Is this a recurring issue? How did each of you feel during and after it? Would you describe it as a misunderstanding, a difference in opinion, or reluctance around a task? If the situation came up again, how would you want it to play out instead? Talk together about how these moments feel now and how you would like them to feel in the future. For example, a couple might notice that after dinner they both end up scrolling on their phones. One partner feels disconnected, the other feels criticised when it’s mentioned, and what started as a quiet evening turns into annoyance or emotional distance.
Find the cue. As you explore what’s underneath the pattern, identify the clear and early signal that reliably sets it in motion. This might be a look, a sigh, a tone of voice, a specific word, or a recurring situation. In this example, the cue might be the moment after the dishes are cleaned up and both partners sit down for the evening. Choosing a cue early in the pattern helps interrupt it before frustration builds. Choosing the cue collaboratively and without blame helps ensure the Microscript feels like a shared tool rather than a correction.
Write the script. Now comes the creative part. Look at the shared language that already exists in your relationship, including inside jokes, playful phrases, nicknames, gestures, funny voices, or references from books, shows, or shared experiences. Microscripts are especially effective when they draw on this idiosyncratic language, which research suggests is linked to feelings of closeness, fondness, and being truly known. The script should be simple, personal, and light enough to break tension, such as a phrase that reminds both partners of their intention to be present without sounding like a correction.
Repeat, repeat, repeat. Changing entrenched patterns takes practice. One way to approach this is to agree on a specific time frame to try the Microscript, such as a week or two for something that comes up often, or a month for situations that arise less frequently. Using the Microscript repeatedly helps reinforce the new pattern, and it’s okay to adjust or refine it as you go. The goal is not to create the perfect script immediately, but to start using it and improve it over time.
Why Microscripts Work
Microscripts work because they interrupt habitual communication patterns and provide a clear alternative at the exact moment those patterns usually take over. They function as a kind of circuit breaker, stopping escalation while simultaneously offering a new path forward. Rather than relying on willpower when emotions are already high, Microscripts give the brain something concrete to do instead of defaulting to old reactions.
Microscripts also act as powerful repair attempts, a term used in relationship research to describe behaviors that help de-escalate negativity during conflict. Repair attempts can include apologies, asking to slow down, expressing appreciation, or using kind humor. Because Microscripts often incorporate playful or affectionate idiosyncratic language, they can efficiently serve this function by reintroducing warmth and reminding both people of their underlying bond.
Repetition plays a critical role. Through the process of neuroplasticity, the brain can form new neural pathways in response to repeated experiences. By consistently using a Microscript, partners are not just interrupting a momentary conflict but actively laying down a new pattern. Over time, the new response becomes more automatic and reliable, reducing the likelihood of being pulled back into the old cycle.
Why Microscripts Matter
Rather than being about perfection, Microscripts are about giving relationships a reliable way to return to kindness, humor, and teamwork when stress or old patterns threaten to take over.
Reference
Winston, D., Lindgren, J., & Matlack, E. S. (2020). Multiamory: Essential tools for modern relationships. Thorntree Press.
