Shared from Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships by Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlack
Many relationship ruptures are not caused by a lack of care or effort, but by moments of misattunement. We often try to respond helpfully, only to realise later that we offered one kind of support when a friend, partner, or family member needed something else, or that we met the need in away that didn’t quite match how that person wanted to receive it.
In Multiamory, Dedeker Winston, Jase Lindgren, and Emily Sotelo Matlack introduce the Triforce of Communication, a framework that divides communication into three distinct goals. When people understand which goal is in play, conversations tend to feel clearer, less reactive, and more supportive.
Each Triforce represents a different kind of request. Conflict often arises when one person is speaking from one Triforce and the other responds from another.
Triforce #1: Sharing and Being Heard
This Triforce is about sharing information simply to make a thought, feeling, or state of being known. The goal is understanding, not sympathy, advice, or problem-solving unless it is specifically requested. This supports us in understanding the other person’s inner world, and the elements that are influencing them. The key difference about this Triforce is that communication is generally moving in one direction from the person sharing toward the listener.
- Sharing a Story
- One person is relaying information and the other person's role is to listen
- Used when someone wants to be understood and heard
- Letting someone know how you're doing
- Offering context for your emotional or mental state
- Example: "Hey, I'm feeling spacey today. I just wanted to let you know in case I seem distracted. It's not you. I'm just struggling today."
- Can apply to feeling down, irritable, anxious, or otherwise off baseline
- Helpful for people experiencing anxiety, PTSD, depression, chronic illness, pain, heightened stress, or recovery
- Example: "I have been really anxious this morning. I don't need you to do anything about it or try to fix it. I just wanted to let you know."
- Matter-of-fact updates
- Offering context for your emotional or mental state
- Example: "Hey, I’m feeling spacey today. I just wanted to let you know in case I seem distracted. It’s not you. I’m just struggling today.”
- Can apply to feeling down, irritable, anxious, or otherwise off baseline
- Helpful for people experiencing anxiety, PTSD, depression, chronic illness, pain, heightened stress, or recovery
- Example: “I have been really anxious this morning. I don’t need you to do anything about it or try to fix it. I just wanted to let you know.”
Triforce #2: Sympathy or Celebration
This Triforce is about emotional engagement. The speaker is not just asking to be heard, they are asking the other person to join them emotionally through empathy, encouragement, validation, shared grief or shared joy. Moments when another person engages with us through shared emotion and care are deeply nourishing to all types of human relationships.
- Celebrating a success
- Sharing victories or breakthroughs after sustained effort
- Often includes the urge of "I need to tell someone! Who do I call?"
- Celebrating together can strengthen connection and positive regard
- Sharing Pain
- One of the most common communication pitfalls in relationships
- The appropriate response is sympathy and commiseration
- Triforce #2 does not include advice or suggestions
- Example: When frustrated about work, people often want their friend to take their side emotionally, not explain why the situation might be their fault
- Seeking Encouragement
- After a day of stress and roadblocks, the ability to call someone and directly ask for reassurance or affirmation can foster emotional safety and lighten the load
- Examples:
- "Can you just tell me I'm good at stuff?"
- "Can you tell me what you like about me?"
- When you know someone is seeking Triforce #2, you can offer the support and encouragement they need, rather than wondering if they are secretly criticising or questioning your kindness towards them
Triforce #3: Advice or Decision-Making
This Triforce focuses on problem-solving, getting advice, collaboration, and decision-making. Advice is not only welcome here, it is the goal.
- Deciding what to do together
- Brainstorming ideas or weighing pros and cons
- Example: The familiar "What should we eat tonight?" conversation
- Often a request for collaboration rather than approval
- Getting help with a personal decision
- Requests may be direct
- "Can you help me decide if I should see a therapist?"
- "What do you think I should do about what happened at work?"
- Or more subtle
- "I've been thinking therapy might help, but it's expensive."
- "I have no idea what I'm going to wear tonight."
- "This new project at work is really stressing me out."
- Receiving feedback
- Seeking honest input from someone trusted
- Solicited feedback can support growth and clarity
- Unsolicited feedback, especially from a partner or loved one, often feels like painful criticism and can be damaging to relationships
Troubleshooting
Even with a clear framework, the Triforce of Communication can bring up uncertainty or resistance when people imagine using it in real, emotionally charged conversations. These are common responses and how the framework addresses them.
- "What if I don’t even know what I need?”
This is extremely common, especially in moments that feel emotional, chaotic, or overwhelming. Naming the uncertainty itself can be a starting point. Beginning with listening can create space for clarity to emerge. It can also be helpful to start by stating what would be unhelpful in the conversation, for example “I don’t know what exactly I need right now, but please don’t hug me just yet.” - “I tried asking for one thing, but now it doesn’t feel right.”
Sometimes we think we want advice and realize mid-conversation that we actually want empathy, or the other way around. This doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It means your awareness shifted, and it’s okay to adjust. - “I thought I wanted advice, but now I feel upset or defensive.”
Feeling irritated, misunderstood, or shut down while receiving advice can signal a mismatch between what was asked for and what is actually needed. Noticing that reaction is useful information and can guide a pivot toward what is truly going to supportive. - “Isn’t this overthinking communication?”
The Triforce is not meant to make conversations rigid or scripted. It’s designed to reduce guesswork, not add rules. When expectations are clearer, communication often becomes simpler rather than more complicated. - “What if I change my mind halfway through the conversation?”
Needs are not fixed. Allowing yourself to revise what you’re asking for as clarity develops helps prevent resentment and misunderstanding from building quietly.
Why the Triforce Matters
The Triforce of Communication emphasizes clarity of intent rather than perfect communication. It is not always possible to know what another person needs, and it is both appropriate and encouraged to ask rather than assume. Naming needs clearly helps the person offering support respond more effectively, while also reducing confusion and defensiveness.
When both the giver and the receiver understand what is being requested, the likelihood that the need actually gets met increases significantly. Clear communication does not guarantee a perfect outcome, but it does create the conditions for more understanding, connection, and care.
Reference
Winston, D., Lindgren, J., & Matlack, E. S. (2020). Multiamory: Essential tools for modern relationships. Thorntree Press.
